Here’s a fun fact about yours truly; I used to work at Starbucks. Truth! Between 2001 and 2003 I rocked that green apron like a milk frothing pro. Surprisingly enough, I am still Starbucks obsessed. Although, probably not much of a surprise if you read my blog or follow me on Instagram and Facebook where almost every other post has a mention of coffee or Starbucks. With that being said, I have some pretty strong opinions about Starbucks and how I think it should run. Honestly, they should hire me back simply to figure out store operation and logistics.
You may not agree with me here but there needs to be two lines at Starbucks: Pro and Amateur. I don’t know about you but this is the second time this week I have been stuck behind some alien who has never been to a Starbucks before and is just flabbergasted by the menu. Look, if it’s 3pm and you want to wander in to the wonderful wonderland that is Starbucks and ask annoying questions and really take in the menu, cool, but it’s 9am, I have a toddler. I can honestly tell you that I do not have a safe amount of caffeine in my body yet to deal with you. GET OUT.
For fun (and because I love lists) I came up with my top 6 least favorite people to run into at Starbucks:
The Confused Guy
This guy (gal) was in front of me yesterday and prompted this blog post. Long line of people and she gets up to the barista:
“What do you recommend?”
This is such an obnoxious question. How about coffee? You’re in a damn coffee shop, if you need a recommendation then you shouldn’t be here. This isn’t Ruth Chris, there aren’t any chef specials! GET OUT.
“Can you make the frappucinos hot?”
STOP. You’ve been demoted to McDonald’s coffee, GET OUT.
The Not Knowing the Lingo Guy
“I’ll have a large latte, can you make that fat free? Oh! Do you have hazelnut flavor? Add that please. Oh and whip”
Oh. My. GOD. What did you even order? GET OUT.
The Pretending to Know the Lingo Guy
“I’ll have a grande mochachino” This may also coincide with a wink to the barista or a knowing nod to the other people behind him. Did you hear my order? I so belong here.
The My Office Sent Me with 18 Different and Confusing Orders Guy
AHH! This guy!!! Is this for real? You couldn’t have called ahead? I know this isn’t really his fault, it’s the douchy people at his office. This poor guy probably mumbled that he was going on a coffee run and had to duck and weave between all the post-its flying at his head with different orders, or he’s an intern. This gets 10 times worse when this guy decides to use the drive thru…Either way….please GET OUT.
The But “Name” Knows My Order Guy
“Oh is Matt here? He makes my latte the best!”
….Sorry! We gave Matt the day off today but lets call him up and get him down here pronto so he can throw two shots of espresso in a cup with steamed milk…special, just for you. GET OUT. Or at least get Matt to give you his schedule so you can avoid this conversation in the future, you creep.
The Grabby Grabby Guy
^^^^ THIS GUY. He is a drink stealer. This guy orders, gives his name and waits at the end of the bar for his drink. He’s on his phone, staring at the wall, picking his nose, whatever, but clearly not paying attention. He hears the name “ELENA” and grabs the drink. BRO. DROP IT before you get hurt. The baristas write the names on the cup and say the names out loud, where was the flipping confusion? GET OUT.
Have you run into these people? Or worse, are you one of these people???? Hopefully you aren’t and if you are, maybe you learned something here today: Don’t be in front of me on line at Starbucks 🙂